I am back. Back to blogging. Back to stay at home mom-ing. Boy does it feel good. Well, actually it’s a little nerve wracking. Over the last few months, I have felt the overwhelming weight of regret. Did I make the right decision to stop working? Am I going to hate staying at home all day? Will we be able to manage financially? Is this really what God wants for my life?

It was like each day a clock would chime on my time for social adult interaction and getting a paycheck. Like Cinderella’s carriage just anticipating the stroke of midnight and turning back into a pumpkin. Not that I staying home with my children is a pumpkin-level reality, I know it is a dream for some women to be able to stay home with their kids. I truly am excited for it. I just felt so good in my job, and the whole story of how it came to be. I knew it was the work of the Lord, and now, here I am a year later done with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I prayed and prayed about the decision to stay home. This was not a choice I wanted to make in my own head. I wanted to hear from God loud and clear a yes or no. And I really felt like I heard a yes. So, why does it feel so scary now? Why don’t I have peace about it?

Let’s look at Peter in Acts 10. He is praying around lunch time and becomes hungry. Scripture says he fell into a trance and saw all kinds of animals coming down from Heaven, and a voice said, “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.” Peter then responded, “I have never eaten anything impure or unclean.” And the voice replied, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.” This happens three times total and then the trance was over (Acts 10: 13-15 NIV).

After talking with Gentiles and seeing the Holy Spirit come upon them, Peter realized the vision meant that God wanted to save everyone. Not just Jews, but the Gentiles, those considered impure and unclean.

It was God telling Peter to eat the “unclean” animals. It was Peter’s human nature to say that was wrong and he would never do such thing. I mean it seemed very wrong considering everything Peter grew up learning. It was the voice of God, but he was doubting what was being said.

With my job coming to a close, I had all this doubt that it was not the right thing. I remember vividly hearing God tell me to stay home, but it felt wrong for some reason. It’s not exactly the same as Peter’s situation of undoing generations of teaching who is clean or not, but I can relate to the doubt. The questioning of is this the right thing? Did I hear that correctly? Am I interpreting it right?

God had to show Peter this vision two other times to get him to trust His words. Sometimes hard decisions take time to make or to cope with. But when I think about it now, the decision was not really mine to make. I asked and God answered. He made the decision, and then my humanness kicked in the door with doubt, fear, and regret causing me to question the voice of God.

In Acts 11, Peter is explaining his actions to fellow believers and describes the vision and many Gentiles who received the Holy Spirit afterwards. Peter says in verse 17, “who was I to think that I could stand in God’s way?”

When we make decisions, we often think it is all on us. It is life or death, right or wrong, no in between. In all reality, we can’t get in God’s way. If He has a plan, it will prevail. If He told you to do something, it will get done. The decision we get to make is if we keep our faith and follow what the Lord said, not the decision itself.

So of course I did not have peace with choosing to stay home, because I had it all in my mind that this was my decision to make. As if, little old me can thwart the plans of a mighty God. Just like Peter, God showed me that way of thinking is a lie. Most of the decisions we make, do not hold as much weight as we would like to think. It is God who guides our life and shows us the correct paths to take. We have to remember that we can’t stand in His way.