Like most teenage girls, my high school days had their fair share of friendship drama. Being left out or a hurtful comment from a friend felt like a bee sting right to the heart. I always imagined once I was out of high school the pain from friendship drama would just melt away. Shouldn’t that be the case? We all grow up and learn to be adults who can get along? But I quickly learned in my college and post college years that some drama, some pain just sticks around.

The pain of being left out has really left a mark on my heart. It is something that feels like a jab right in the stomach. There really are times where I feel a physical pain in my body when I feel like I have been left out.

I am not sure where this obsession comes from. I mean I want to be included. Doesn’t everyone? But in the times where I feel like I have not been included, and I express my pain, I feel so misunderstood. Like the people I am telling that hurt me just don’t get it. They can’t understand why I am hurt. Maybe they are confused why I thought I would be included in the first place. Then, I often point the finger back on myself.

I question every move I have made leading up to the moment of pain. Was I a bad friend? (A question I contemplate often) Did I do something to offend someone? Did I do too much? Not enough? All questions that cause every insecurity to rises up and sink its nails into every open wound and widen them deeper. I really take it hard.

There was a moment yesterday where I had all those insecurities begin to rise up in me. Where I really questioned myself and my ability to be a “good friend”. It was another instance where I felt left out. And it stung. As with most of these occurrences, there is very little I can do or control about that pain creeping up in me. I try to make up for some mysterious offense that must have caused the division I feel between my friends and I. I try really hard. Gifts or sentimental texts or anything that can feel like I am mending a tear I wasn’t aware of just a day before.

The thing is, like I said earlier, there is not much that can be done in these moments. The control I want to grab a hold of and white knuckle until it is resolved is simply out of my reach. Which is probably where that pain comes from. The lack of control.

So, I was sitting there in the pain of friendship, and I prayed. I just asked God to hear me. To understand me. To help me let go of the feeling of not being enough for people. It is a burden I carry often and just can’t hold any longer.

I do not want to be the person who is always hurt in my friendships. The victim. But I also don’t want to be the one who is forgotten about. That is a real fear. But friendship is not friendship if you are constantly having to reassure the other person they are worth being friends with right? That is really all relationships. If someone does not have confidence in their ability to be a friend or a wife or a good coworker. Then the relationship is continually facing the hurdles of insecurity. Reassurance is not a bad thing, but when it is all the relationship is, there is no moving forward. When you are constantly looking backwards for your worth, there is no way to move forward in growth.

I want to have friends, but I don’t want to have insecure friendships. I want to be strong in my own confidence, so that my friendships and all other relationships, can grow.

This is where the Holy Spirit comes in. He is our advocate. He is our friend. He is the one who knows how to translate our wordless groans into prayers our Father hears.

“In the same way the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings.” Romans 8:26 (CSB)

Loneliness is the real root of this pain I allow. So, when the Holy Spirit comes and sits with me in pain, it sure is comforting. I have learned that the Holy Spirit is the only real way I don’t feel lonely. It is not from friends or my husband or my family. I have felt all alone even in the presence of all those people. It is when my advocate comes to my side and meets me in my pain. When I call out to the Lord and His Spirit rests on my shoulder and a comfort enters my heart. That is where loneliness disappears.

The pain I felt from being left out slowly melted away yesterday. I did not write off the people that hurt my feelings. I did not try to overcompensate with nice things. I simply let the Holy Spirit come remind me who I am and the truth I have in Him.