On the first day of 2023, two weeks after giving birth to my beautiful daughter, I felt crazy. I loved my baby more than anything, but I was struggling. Breastfeeding was going horribly, I was still recovering from giving birth, and let’s not forget that little thing we all love called sleep deprivation. We were on a walk and I said to my husband: “You never know how selfish you are until you have a kid.”

Before this little baby came into our lives, we were on our own time schedule. We could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. Then came this adorable, perfect little girl that needed to be fed every three hours and didn’t know the difference between day and night. I felt like a prisoner those first few weeks with my newborn. Three hours really flies by when all your trying to do is sleep in between.

I love motherhood so much, but those first few weeks were difficult. It felt like every ounce of my body was being used for someone else. I kept pouring everything I had out, but never had the time to refill. Before I had a baby, pretty much all my time was used filling my own cup. I mean everything I did was for me.

A few months before I had Remi, I turned 25. It was my golden birthday because I was born on the 25th day of the month. I remember thinking how special this birthday has to be. It was the last time I would get this birthday to myself. After I gave birth, I knew it was going to be give, give, give so this last celebration of me, I just wanted to take. I wanted the day to revolve around me. How ridiculous is that? And my poor husband had to deal with me the whole day because we don’t live near family.

We were sitting in church and I was thinking about how I deserve this day to be about me since my next birthday, I will have a child that I’ll have to focus on. How did I not just get struck by lightning in the middle of the pew?

Graciously, the Lord gently nudged my heart to shift. I really felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say that there is no real reason any day should be about me. This whole life I live is not about me. It is not about my marriage or my mothering skills or any title I hold professionally. My life is about Jesus.

It shouldn’t matter what is about to happen to me, there is nothing I do that can be more than what Jesus has done for me. For all the time I have had a relationship with the Lord, it was not until I had a child that I really understood that.

As difficult as this is to type out, there will never be a time when I deserve to have things be about me. Not because I am a mother, but because I am a child of the Most High. If my sole purpose in life is to promote myself and bring my name into the spotlight, that is a sad life to live. Every time I try to grab hold of pride and MY ability to do things, I crumble.

In John chapter 15 verse 5, Jesus puts it as plainly as we need to hear it:

“I am the vine you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

Nothing. It sounds so harsh, but the hardest part of that statement is how true it is. Like I said, every time I try to make things about myself, they fail. When we pursue things for our own glory, nothing good will come of it. We are not created to lift ourselves up. It’s just not possible.

Motherhood has taught me many valuable lessons, but this might be the most impactful. I did not think of myself as a selfish person before I had a baby. I was just living my life. The more I found myself not being able to do what I wanted (mostly sleep) the more frustrated I got. The more I gave, the less I turned to God. When you are producing food for your child it can feel like you are in it all alone and you are the sole provider. Let me tell you that is a lie.

Ever since I had Remi, God has been showing me more and more how this life is not about me. Not because I have to sacrifice everything I used to do pre-baby. But because it never has been about me. The lack of sleep, the physical and emotional fatigue are all things that just exemplified my need for control and my desire to do what I want. But before I ever had Remi, I had been battling the desire to promote myself. I think it was just hidden better when I was able to control more aspects of my life.

When it comes to motherhood or marriage or any relationship, there is no way to do it on your own and no way to make it about yourself. All these challenges we face, bring us closer to the conclusion that we really can not do it by ourselves. God has to be the center of these things for them to thrive. God has to be the center of you. I am still fighting these urges to make things about me.

Everything in culture tells us to focus on ourselves. Figure out everything about yourself and share that with the world. But who really cares? Sorry if that is harsh, but think about it. Society tells us to care about us so much that we don’t have the capacity to care about others. That is not what God wants for this world.

When we put God at the center of not just our life around us, but who we are, we find so much freedom. There is less to prove and less to take on. When we really trust the words of Jesus that away from Him we can do nothing, then we will never fail. No, not every venture will be a success, but we can know that following where God calls you leads to goodness. Some kind of goodness no matter the outcome.

It is an all out war everyday trying not to make things about me. Fighting selfishness from dawn to dusk, but Jesus sees me in the battle and gives me grace when I slip up. I know motherhood is God’s way of uprooting the selfish tendencies little by little. I am thankful for the little bit of awareness I have in the focus of me and I’m trying to shift that focus to Him daily.